Couples enter therapy for many different reasons. In almost all cases, however, there’s been a significant breakdown in communication. You feel stuck in cycles that you don’t quite know how to change. One or both of you want something more from the relationship. And one or both of you may feel worried that things are beyond repair. 

It can be really exhausting and challenging to be in this complex limbo. You might be trying things like practicing I-statements or planning more date nights, but these efforts don’t always make a difference. In some cases, they can even feel like bandaids on serious wounds.

I have worked with many couples who feel “on the brink” of separation or divorce in my career. I’ve also worked with many couples who feel like things are “okay but not great.” In all situations, my goal is to cultivate more closeness, friendship, and connection within the relationship. I will work hard to join with both of you- there is no taking sides here: you will both be encouraged to share your emotions, needs, and expectations throughout the process.

Couples Therapy in Orange County: My Specialties

All relationships have their ups and downs, but the way you and your partner navigate these challenges makes all the difference. Unresolved conflict perpetuates a sense of emotional distance, and it can also reinforce resentment and disconnect. You may feel like you're having the same arguments over and over or it might seem like certain topics are entirely off-limits.

These struggles can leave both of you feeling unheard, frustrated, or lonely. My couples therapy is intended to help you work through your challenges in a way that fosters more understanding and trust.

Poor Conflict Resolution

Every couple faces conflict, and conflict isn't inherently problematic. The real problems occur when couples don't know how to appropriately resolve and repair.

Poor conflict resolution might look like:

• one or both of you withdrawing from the relationship when things get tense

• resorting to “fighting dirty” and engaging in name-calling, empty threats, or mean criticism toward one another

• pretending things are completely fine even when you feel resentful

• assuming that conflict only needs to be addressed once- and can’t be revisited again

Even if healthy communication is your goal, triggering emotions like anger, shame, or fear can affect how you relate to your partner. Over time, you may find yourself stuck in frustrating patterns with perpetual issues.

Pursuer-Distance Dynamics

The pursuer-distancer dynamic refers to one person pulling away just as soon as the other person seeks closeness. This push-pull pattern creates a disconnect that makes it difficult to achieve intimacy. If unresolved, it can lead to perpetual resentment.

This dynamic often stems from differences in attachment styles, past relationship issues, or unspoken fears surrounding intimacy. The 'pursuer' may resonate with feeling anxious when they suspect emotional distance, prompting them to seek connection or reassurance. Meanwhile, the 'distancer' may feel overwhelmed by intimacy, and they withdraw to establish a sense of control or emotional safety.

Over time, this pattern can create a painful tug-of-war dynamic, leaving both partners feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood. The 'pursuer' may feel rejected or abandoned, whereas the distance might feel overstimulated or suffocated.

Couples therapy helps identify and shift these ingrained patterns by fostering more awareness, emotional regulation, and new ways of communicating. Together, we'll focus on how each of you can express your needs in a way that invites connection rather than distance, helping you build a more secure, balanced relationship dynamic. The goal isn't for either of you to change entirely- instead, it's about understanding your partner's perspective and developing a new rhythm that honors both closeness and autonomy.

Adjusting to Parenting

Becoming a parent is one of the most life-changing milestones a couple can experience. It can also be incredibly challenging. Although they often identify as having tremendous love for their children, couples might feel disconnected from one another. This can happen soon after a child is born, but sometimes the effects are more insidious.

The transition to parenthood creates an intense shift in priorities, routines, and identities. You're juggling more responsibilities and sleep deprivation, and conversations that once revolved around intimacy or future dreams may now be centered on feeding schedules and preschool dropoffs. These changes are natural, but they can create feelings of loneliness or resentment if you and your partner struggle to maintain your emotional bond.

In many cases, partners experience differing expectations about parenting roles. For example, one partner may feel like they're carrying the bulk of the emotional labor, while the other feels shut down or underappreciated. Differences in parenting styles, family influences, or unresolved childhood wounds may be activated, leading to new conflicts or amplifying existing ones.

For many couples, the biggest challenge with parenting isn't necessarily parenting. It's about learning how to prioritize their children, themselves, and their relationship with one another. It's common for physical and emotional intimacy to take a backseat, which can lead to more disconnection. Over time, you may feel more like roommates than romantic partners.

Couples therapy provides a space to navigate these challenges together. We'll spend time understanding each of your needs, and we'll aim to find ways to reconnect amidst this demanding season of life. Building this shared understanding can help you strengthen your relationship and foster more enjoyment for parenthood.

If you’re a new dad or a father wanting individual support around parenting, please click here.

Relationship Trauma

If one or both partners have a history of emotional abuse or relationship trauma, it can feel impossible to have a sense of real safety with one another. No matter how much you logically try to feel connected, you might find yourself reenacting old patterns or reactivating old wounds.

Relational trauma has a profound impact on how we give and receive love. Deeper than that, it also shapes the way we perceive safety, trust, and emotional intimacy. If either of you has unresolved trauma, you may struggle with core fears of abandonment. Even in a loving, healthy relationship, past wounds can surface unexpectedly, triggering intense feelings of fear or shame.

Trauma can also emerge as a form of hypervigilance. One or both of you may be constantly scanning for betrayal, rejection, or emotional withdrawal. This can cause patterns of emotional outbursts, defensiveness, or a strong desire to control the other person. While all these safety mechanisms make complete sense, they can also create barriers that block authentic connection.

My trauma-focused couples therapy emphasizes the following priorities:

• identifying individual triggers that impact safety and connection

• building a deeper understanding of the relationship's strengths and adversities

• creating a more empathetic environment where all emotions can be expressed and witnessed

• strengthening communication skills that reinforce attunement and compassion

To learn more about my approach to working with relationship trauma in individual therapy, please click here.

My Approach Toward Working With Couples

All couples therapists vary in their approach. It's most important that you both find a therapist you feel comfortable speaking with. Neither of you should feel like your therapist 'takes sides.' Instead, it's a matter of coming together to strengthen connection and intimacy. Both partners play a role in this dynamic, and my job is to highlight dynamics that might be contributing to relationship stress.

We might be a good fit for one another if you value:

Gaining insight into fixed patterns: My priority as a couples therapist is to teach you both about the roles you take within your relationship. No role is inherently good or bad, but the roles may not be serving you or your partner in productive ways. Certain roles may need to be modified or expanded, and it's also possible to "break free" from a role that is no longer benefiting you.

Deepening emotional intimacy: Using principles from emotionally-focused couples therapy, I emphasize how partners can turn to one another for empathy, guidance, and deeper emotional support. This often requires vulnerability (which can be difficult), but many couples find that learning how to safely rely on one another can be profoundly connecting.

Deeper introspection: I work with many couples who feel like things are "okay" or "pretty good." But they know there's room for improvement, and they want more confidence in their relationship satisfaction. When this is the case, therapy focuses on committing to the positive aspects of the relationship, strengthening problem-solving skills, and building a sense of shared meaning.

Personal growth along with relational growth: Growing individually and relationally is key to building a deeper connection with one another. However, many people only focus on their own growth or the relationship as a whole. In reality, it's best to prioritize both at the same time. The "best version" of you can bring out the "best partner" in you.

Being a therapist yourself: I specialize in working with therapists and other mental health professionals. Many therapists feel nervous about attending couples therapy with their partner. They don't want to be judged by their therapist, and they might experience shame or guilt about the problems they're experiencing. My goal is to build upon the strengths you inherently have as a therapist without ever treating you as if you should inherently have it "all figured out." You're a human, and you're in a human relationship!

To learn more about my individual therapy for therapists, please click here.

Couples Therapy FAQ

Therapy shouldn't be a mystery, and I aim to be fully transparent about my process with clients throughout our time together. My FAQ is designed to answer the most common questions couples generally ask me.

When is the best time to pursue couples therapy?

If you're struggling in your relationship, it's probably time now. The truth is that most intimacy and communication problems worsen over time. The longer you get stuck in certain cycles, the harder it is to change them.

What's better: in-person or virtual therapy for couples?

I offer both options, and it really comes down to your schedule and preference. Online therapy can be more effective if you have a very busy work or family schedule, as it offers flexibility and convenience. Some people prefer meeting from the comfort of their home, as it can feel less intimidating.

On the other hand, in-person therapy naturally fosters a deeper emotional presence. Being in the same physical space provides an immersive experience, allowing for richer nonverbal communication and a heightened sense of connection. If you value a more intensive, emotionally-engaged approach, meeting in person might be best.

Ultimately, both formats can be effective. I'm here to support you in whichever setting works best for your relationship.

What if my partner isn't sure about therapy at this time?

This is very normal. One partner may feel more excited about couples work, whereas the other might be more hesitant. If your partner is unsure, it may help to reframe therapy as a proactive step toward closeness rather than a sign that something is wrong. You might start by emphasizing your goals for therapy and highlighting that it's a space for both of you- not just one person- to feel heard and supported. I provide thorough consultations to help answer any questions you have about my process.

What if we're considering separation or divorce?

Therapy can help you gain clarity on what's best for both of you. Some couples do come to therapy striving to repair their relationship, whereas others need practical tools to navigate their separation while maintaining mutual understanding and respect.

Whatever your situation, my role is to provide a supportive environment to explore your options and make an informed choice.

How long are your sessions?

I offer both 60-minute and 90-minute sessions for couples. The longer sessions tend to be more beneficial if you want to dive deeper into complex issues or need more time to work through intense emotions without things feeling rushed. Longer sessions allow us to all engage in more in-depth exploration of your patterns without feeling like the session ends just as we're getting into something profound.

If you're unsure which session length is best for you, we can discuss your needs and goals to determine the most effective approach.

Orange County Couples Therapist: Start Today

Our couples therapy sessions may feel intense and, at times, frustrating or even discouraging. This is part of the recovery process, and my goal is to help you and your partner feel like you're on the same page- both in your present life and in building your future together.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), I'm trained in perceiving relationship issues as systemic. This means understanding how all parts work within the system. The good news is that even slightly changing the system can trigger immense, meaningful change.

If you're struggling right now, I commend you for seeking support. I do not take my clients’ trust lightly, and I work hard to offer an impactful experience for exploring your concerns and coming together as a team.

If you'd like to learn more about my process or feel ready to get things started, contact me today to schedule a consultation.